18 November 2013

Nearing the End

I'm not even through the labor and delivery portion of this pregnancy, and I am already feeling like my body failed me.

This was not supposed to happen. This birth was supposed to be the culmination of my months of research, of inspiration. It was supposed to be my chance to take back my birth and to make up for the incredible lack of knowledge that led to such an unsatisfying birth experience with BabyA. Now, I almost find myself wanting to return to my blissful ignorance. At least going into my induction with BabyA, I was more excited than apprehensive.

I feel let down. By myself, my body, and the medical community. I feel like I shortsighted things, that I should have been more thorough in my research when I was first diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. I failed myself because I didn't think that I would end up on insulin. My body failed in so many ways, but the most devastating of them were the actual diagnosis of GD followed by the need for insulin because, though I could control my glucose levels with diet during my waking hours, my body failed to control them at night. Most of all, though, I feel let down by the medical community. I spent hours researching everything I could find about GD and possible outcomes. What I discovered is that, while I found enough information to make a confident decision about denying induction without insulin dependence, the information on insulin dependent GD deliveries is very minimal. The information I did find just lumped all Type I/II and GD pregnancies/deliveries together with very little separation.

So here I sit. According to an ultrasound at around 8 weeks gestation, I am currently halfway through my 38th week of pregnancy, and I'm holding a slip that says my induction is scheduled for Thursday morning. While I know that I am capable of refusing the induction, I am not sure that I should because my research is inconclusive and the last thing I want to do is harm my baby because I chose to value my birth experience over his safety. I also haven't had great results on my urinalysis (I'm spilling a lot of ketones in my urine), and my blood pressure has been elevated during my last 2 visits.

I am working on self induction, and desperately trying to hold on to positivity, but I'm tired. On the way home from my parents' house tonight, with BabyA snoring in the back seat, I found myself begging God to let me have this baby on my own. Up until tonight, I'd been really good about asking for things to happen the way He planned. I was clinging to the thought that His plan had to be for me to give birth the way He designed.

If I'm wrong, and I end up with another induction, I am sure there's a bigger purpose. I know it is all part of the plan. But right now, I'm anxious and depressed.

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